Father’s Day last year, I got the call that my dad didn’t make it and I made an 8 hour drive back to my hometown for his funeral.

Father’s Day this year…even though the official date of his death is June 20th (tomorrow), today I feel the greatest loss.

All the feelings and memories that triggered the worst relapse of my life last year, the ones that nearly killed me, are flooding back. I’ve done everything that I could to put up the highest and strongest walls to stop them from coming back…yet here they are tormenting me again.

All the guilt, the regret, the pain, the anger, the sadness, the confusion, everything. I know that in order to move on, I have to let myself feel it…I have to accept it. But it’s hard because I don’t want to have to feel.

Dad, I hate that you’re gone. I hate that I never got to say goodbye, or tell you that I love you. I hate that I feel like you’ve abandoned me, and I hate that I feel that way. I miss you, I love you. I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done, and even though you can’t hear me any more…I really am sorry.

Happy Father’s Day.