The scale better start moving before I lose my mind…

If it doesn’t I’ll cry…

If it doesn’t, I’ll die.

Pathetic.

This monster has been in my head for 6 years now, took my health and nearly my life one year ago, as a result…forced me to spend most of my teenage years in the hospital, and still…

Still, I obey the rules.

Sometimes I honestly don’t know what to say; or how to feel.

Sometimes I don’t know where I’m going; or where I’m not.

When I catch myself staring at my reflection and pinching my stomach, I feel like crying. Because I wonder…

How did I get here?

How did I fall this far?

Why do I keep coming here?

How do I get out?

I try so hard to keep my head above the water, and something just keeps pulling me down. It’s a monster inside of me that says, “You’re fat. You’re ugly. You’re stupid. You’re worthless. You’re disgusting. You’re a pig. You’re a mistake. You’re an embarrassment. You exist.”

I don’t know how to pull myself out anymore, I’ve been struggling on my own for too long.

I don’t know how to ask for help anymore, because no one seems to listen.

I keep sinking to new lows, meeting new dangers, and getting closer to the edge, just to see if someone would understand or notice.

Nothing…nowhere…no one. No one.

Not my parents, not my boyfriend, not my friends, not myself.

The less I eat, the more powerful I feel, but the weaker I become.

I’m scared of dying, but I’m so tired of living this way.

Happy New Years. It’s been a bit of a melodramatic start to this year. How’s yours?

…what do normal people eat?

I like to pretend that you don’t effect me and that you don’t exist. You’ve been telling me and everyone around me that I’m doing ‘better’. That is a lie. Sure, you haven’t been quite as obvious and loud as you have in the past. But you still whisper sneakily in my ear little suggestions that alter my mood and my food. You’re not completely to blame though, because I’ve been ignorant and have been listening to you. Today you told me not to eat anything, and I didn’t. Now I’m sitting here at my desk, my stomach comfortably empty, and I am angry. I am angry at you, and I’m angry at me. Please just leave me alone, I don’t have the strength to fight you.

…you’re sitting in the T.V. room with your family and an Eating Disorders/Anorexia Nervosa awareness commercial comes on and the room goes quiet. But you can feel everyone staring at you.

I’m sorry.

I don’t know if what has just happened tonight is the best or worst thing that could have happened to me right now. My head is spinning…I don’t know what to think.

My mom knows. Fuck she knows.

I came home tonight, texted my mom at work to let her know I was home safe…the usual, when she texted me back saying that we need to talk in the morning. Confused, I made my way up the stairs, opened the door to my room…and the first thing I saw was my trash can, empty. EMPTY. My heart almost jumped out of my chest  because now I know what she wants to talk about. When I left the house earlier today my bin was full of uneaten food, BAGS of it.

My hands are shaking, I don’t know what else to say. I know she’s not stupid and I know very well that she’s noticed my declining state, but I’ve kept denying the accusations until now. She’s just been waiting, looking out for evidence against me to prove her case. Well now she’s found some, and I’m fucked.

I’ve been found out…in the worst way. I can’t describe to you the numbing terror I feel right now, because I know that it’s over. I don’t know whether I should be happy or upset. Crying or screaming. Scared of relieved.

She knows. She knows everything. No more hiding.

Tomorrow…I find out my fate.

I never thought I would sink back to this level of desperation and obsession.